China to England by bike
Cycling news from the Chinese winter: The Three Armed Bandits (Part II); King-Sized Chocolate bars; 716s; Enriched Uranium; Post Office (a short story); a Caption Competition; and Sundry Other Matters
You may remember I left you dangling from a cliff last month, with the news that, half-way across Laos, three armed men had marched me off at Kalashnikov-point to an uncertain fate.
Several of you were good enough to write and ask if everything was OK.
J.S., currently of no fixed abode, North London area, wrote to say that this was a silly cliff-hanger because it was unlikely that a gang of heavily armed bandits would let me out on day-release just to send a round-robin email.
How little he knows about Laotian armed bandits! That is one of their
...Days 148, 149 - not cycling very much in Zhongdian / Xianggelila / Shangrila
0 km etc. Still waiting for the shops to open after Chinese New Year so that I can get something to eat.
Met another cyclist, always an exciting event. Chap from Sweden, could have sworn I'd seen him somewhere before. Goes by the name of Bjorn. Again.
Ah, you are from Sweden, I say.
Yes, says Bjorn.
You must know Janne Corax, I say.
Yes, says Bjorn. Again.
In fact I met him on a railway platform in Germany.
The world is indeed small. And full of Swedes. Most of whom know the meaning of the word 'garn'
Veg Talk heads for the compost heap
Rumour has it that the world's worst radio show, Veg Talk, potato blight of Radio 4, is to be taken off the air.
As soon as that happens, I will stop dallying in Zhongdian, and make haste homewards.
Home Truths is going too, I hear - but post-Peel perhaps it is not worth saving.
As for the frumpous jounced up by folk about the proposal not to broadcast British folk songs at 5.30 in the morning.... since it's the same every day, it would not be that hard to record it (I'm sure the BBC could provide a free download)
...Day 148 - mostly frittered away updating this blog, and getting HUNGRY, in Zhongdian
0 km etc.
My intention was to stay here a day and EAT copiously.
But it is Chinese New Year's Eve.
HELP!
Every restaurant, shop, and mantou-seller in town has pulled down their shutters to celebrate the New Year behind closed doors.
I am STARVING. I have walked round town twice and finally found a shop that is open. The only item resembling food on sale there was 716 biscuits.
These biscuits have an interesting history.
They were originally developed as ammunition for the People's Liberation Army's revolutionary 716 calibre machine gun, the first weapon of its kind in the
...Winter fuel allowance
My esteemed father has recently reached the venerable age at which the Government, god bless'em, sees fit to give him a Winter Fuel Allowance.
I am curious about how this works.
Does a man knock at the door, take his hat, and say, "Hello, I'm from the Government, I'm here to help"?
And then, proferring a small lump of charcoal, say: "Here is this month's allowance; don't burn it all at once."
Is the allowance delivered in cash? Or, if in fuel, does the recipient have a choice as to the kind of fuel?
Can he insist on his inalienable
...Not just a China-hater...
Rank the items below, in the order in which they represent grave threats to our nation's health, well-being, wealth, happiness, and survival:
1. Tuuuurism (that's people with bombs, not people who go on holiday - as pronounced by Dubya).
2. Bird flu.
3. Climate change.
4. Asteroid impact.
Now rank them again, in the order in which our government uses them as an excuse to curtail liberty, spend money, and speak pompously and gravely in pathetic and debasing attempts to make themselves into latter-day Churchills. And try to frighten us into voting for them. (Did you see Cheney on TV
...Caption competition
The other day I tried on my cold-weather clothing for the first time. This was the result:
Captions are needed - add yours using the comment link below.
To get you started, C.W. of Surrey suggests:
"Osama bin Laden joins the Staines massive."
Beat that and many maidens in paradise await you.
Day 147 - cycling from Tiger Leaping Gorge to Zhongdian / Xianggelila / Shangri-la
A beast of a climb out of Qiaotou, approx 45 km takes you to an ill-defined pass which I reckon is probably a couple of hundred metres higher than Zhongdian. That would make it around 1700 metres climbing in 45 km. That would pretty much tally with how the legs felt. Be warned, there is little or nothing available on the road until Xiao Zhongdian, around 65 km after Qiaotou. I had 2 bananas and 2 tangerines. Result: bonked (see discussion here). Also not much water up here, at least in winter (dry season).
Checked into a hotel after 45
...Day 146 - Cycling to Qiaotou, aka Tiger Leaping Gorge Town
A big climb up and then a big descent down to the Yangtze valley, below 1800 metres. I'm lower than Dali again. And the worst of it is that I have to climb over 3500 metres and then descend AGAIN to the Yangtze at 2000 metres before I can climb again.
If you visit this place, be sure to pay a visit to the Lai Ya Leisure Bar, which offers: "Deposits, accommodation, scattering visitors, reception, wackers, and information".
High above I see the first real snowy mountains of the ride, including Haba Mountain at 5396 metres.
- Start: Diannan, Yunnan, China
Day 145 - Cycling from Dali to Diannan
Well my excuse for lurking 'n' posing in Dali for so long was this: I was waiting for delivery of a parcel. The good people of GoreTex offered to send me a nice warm windstoppery jacket to keep me warm in the mountains.
Monday. Dali Post Office, poste restante section.
Me (in best pidgin-Chinese): Hallo has my parcel arrived yet?
She (behind the counter): Nyet.
(She isn't Russian, but I could have sworn she said nyet. At least her body language said nyet. You know, the not-looking-up, not-interrupting-the-important-bit-of-nail-picking, sort of thing.
Tuesday. Dali Post Office, poste restante section.
Me (in
Day 140 - Cycling around Lake Erhai, Dali
According to the rules, unladen cycling doesn't count, but I made the rules, so I suppose I can break them.
Spend the day dodging small children bearing large guns, which look plastic but you can't be sure.
A surfeit of deep fried goat cheese at breakfast time had made itself felt on km 119.5, only 1.5 km from safety. I had to make an emergency pit-stop in a local squattery - those of a squeamish disposition look away now. Which is not what a small gaggle of other WC customers did as I teetered and tottered (my hamstrings are not
...Day 139. Idling in Dali, Yunnan
O km etc.
I checked into the hotel last night to find that I had wasted away to an almost non-existent 64 kilograms.
By this evening, after demolishing two buffet dinners and a buffet breakfast, I weigh two kilograms more than an elephant.
Well, that's a bit of an exaggeration.
By about two kilograms, anyway.
CCTV9, China's version of CNN, broadcasts a rather interesting, and very serious, if a little gory, feature about a man who underwent a transplant of his liver, spleen, intestine, kidneys (I think) and virtually every other organ in the region. His survival is in the
...Day 138 - Cycling to Dali
Spend the morning attempting to exorcise the Curse of the Ma Po Dou Fu, and trying on my cold-weather gear for the first time. Will attempt to post picture.
It is not 66 km to Dali from Xiaguan, but I head off round the eastern shore of Erhai, while the wonderful people at Asia and Away magazine (formerly known as Voyage) see if they can't fix me up somewhere nice to stay for a few days while I write this month's article for them.
Half way round the lake, my phone beeps an SMS: Hotel found, details as per email.
...Day 137 - bicycling to Xiaguan, China
Asphalt road all day, 30 km up a narror river gorge, which opens into a wide valley, in the middle of which sits Weishan. From there, a hard 15 km climb to a pass, then a fast cold descent to Xiaguan, the unlovely city at the southern end of Erhai. Gambled on getting a descent to get me down into Xiaguan before sunset; otherwise I would have been benighted, though camping might have been possible up on the pass.
Looked for a cheap place to stay for a long time; many wouldn't take me on grounds of my being a
...Day 136 - cycling out of the Mekong basin and over the hills to Nanjian
Route notes: over the Mekong bridge, then it's a 33km hard climb to a false-pass, followed by 7 km gentler climbing to the true pass. A 20 km ish descent takes you to a new river valley - turn left to keep on the G214 to Nanjian, which you will reach after a 20 km not-too-hard climb and a 20 km steep descent that would be a hard climb if you were going the other way. Nanjian is a big place with all mod cons.
A little village at the foot of the last climb had some kind of market
...Day 135 - Cycling to Manwan in Yunnan, China
Getting noticeably chilly on the tops of passes, but warmer in the valleys where the towns seem to be. Manwan is a small town down on my old friend the Mekong. Don't have an altimeter, so guessing here, but Manwan might be around 700 metres above sea level, while the road probably crosses passes at around 2000 m.
Route notes: c. 15 km downhill to tunnel, turnoff to Geng Ma. Then 17 km climb to pass. From here all the way north to Nanjian and perhaps beyond, there is truck-stop accommodation practially every kilometre of the way. South of here,
...Day 134 - To Ma Wen on a Bicycle
My first ton in a while.
Route notes: 26 km climb from Mengku, then mostly descent for 16 km to junction with an unsealed-looking road to Simao. Food, accommodation available at the junction. G214 continues, sealed and perfect except for one inexplicable 1500 m strip of cobbles, 10 km uphill then 30 km descent to Lincang, the last 18 km of which are on a snazzy new airport highway dual carriageway. Lincang is a big town, G214 bypasses it, or you can go through the centre. After Lincang, more descent on perfect road, steeply down deep gorge.
Ma Wen is
...Day 133 - Riding to Mengku
I am very inconsistent in the writing of Chinese place names as one or two words. Would anyone like to expostulate grandly on whether one should write Mengku or Meng Ku? Everyone writes Shanghai, not Shang Hai, but then most people write Hong Kong not Hongkong.
Route notes: a few km gentle up and down on cobbles, then a long cobbled descent, after 20 km reach river at bottom. Road then follows the right bank of the river (ascending it, so river on rhs), unpaved but cobbles give way to hard-pack which, in dry season at least, is much preferable.
...Day 132 - Cycling more hills in southern Yunnan, to Shang Yun
Nice scenery tody, but hard and slow climbing and descending on cobbles.
My 10-yuan hotel room is just big enough for a bed, the bike, and me. But for some reason they have also stuffed in two tables and a big leather armchair. These amenities usually cost extra. The armchair is in the later stages of decay, but I do not feel in a position to complain. I can't even get out of the room to complain, for that matter.
For fellow-cyclists, the route (all on the G214, heading north to south): 2 km of asphalt to start the day, and
...Day 131 - On a bike from Hui Min, through Lancang to Zhu Tang
36 km of very slow cobbles, mostly climbing but just as slow on the pannier-shaking descent; then an unexpected stretch of asphalt into and through and out the other side of Lancang.
The one-armed laoban of my luguan here in Zhutang is a nice bloke but he shares the vice of many in the Greater Mekong River Sub-Region of wanting to talk to me while I am brushing my teeth.
Stopped to take self-portraits of self + bike for sponsors, using my tripod. Not entirely successfully - as I dashed back to the bike while the 10-second beeper was beeping,
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